queefs galore

I've decided that the next time I have sex it's going to be one of those crazy passionate interactions with really heavy breathing and lamp-knocking and clothes-ripping. I'm tired of this "mahh what else are we gonna do tonight? I'm sick of watching Bravo so I guess I'll allow you to go ahead with the boner and I'll go ahead and find the lube cause we know its like a dried up old lady 'cause I'm half pissed and really hungry." or worse, the intoxicated decision to do the deed (post the taco bell run) when the lamp-knockin and clothes rippin ain't led by passion and the poot noises aren't queefs.
I wanna rip n roar. Complete with screeching and unrecognizable animal noises-dog followed by dolphin with torso movements and using the corner of a pillow as a fin. I want my armpits to reek afterwards and my bed to be so wet with sweat that I can't even sleep in it. I'm sick of being pissed when I watch gorgeous sex scenes like the one in the library in Atonement because I'm stenched with jealousy. Its time for something so wild that the nuva ring pops out and hits him in the face.
I think the appropriate way to execute this natural urge is to go up in da club and get all up on ya screamin' yeahuh (yeahh).

i must be on glue.

Smackdab in the middle of summer.
I am stuck in North Carolina with my parents who are working and I am left with my own company and I'm not making very good company for myself. My wisdom teeth are coming in (I know why people have them taken out far before they need to) because my tooth is jogging in place in the back of my mouth and while doing so, it is using a hammer to bang on the row of teeth in front of it. I know this can't be good for my 6 years of braces. Yeah, six whole years of regretting a lot of food choices.
We're house-hunting and hunt is definitely a better word choice than search because its not like a scavenger hunt. Its like that one time I went deep sea fishing. Here's how the conversation on the way to a random '60s neighborhood went:

Dad (conversation dominator): Look at all this crap: Borders, Fuckrudders, Costco. What the hell is Costco, a bank?

Mom (even tempered, mellow): No, Its like Sam's.

Me: You can go there and get 5 pound buckets of Jelly Belly. (his favorite food group)

Dad: We're on Commerical Avenue but those Jelly Bellys don't sound too bad. I could go for some jelly in my belly. Let's get some ice cream.

Me: Can we go to ColdStone? They have cake...

Dad (interrupts): No way are we supporting a big chain like that. They're evil. They have vacuum cleaners attached to your wallet. Look at this: Panera, Walmart, Bed Bath and Beyond, Massage Envy. This is where people come and load their trunks with shit they don't even need. No way am I living in a place like this. This is hell.

Me: It's so convenient.

Dad: All I need is a grocery store and a library.

Me: You don't even read.

Dad: It's like Buyer's Central around here. They use the same old tricks to steal your money. I read an article about it. They jack up the prices, then they put everything on sale so you think you're getting a steal.

Me: I got $75 sheets for $20 at Macy's

Dad: ::groans::

We turn into the neighborhood across the street from the Lexus dealership.

Dad: If I get bored I'm gonna test drive me a Lexus. No way am I living here.

Mom: I like this neighborhood

Dad: Too bad. Look at that, a white girl with mixed babies.

Me: We like our children single colored, thank you.

Dad: Yeah, that's right. Single colored and white.

We pull up to a really nice house. Daddy backs out of the driveway.

Dad: Too bad, so sad. Let's go test drive a Lexus.

summertime

Smack in the middle of my summer, I went to see the movie of the summer at midnight on its opening day. I think that's so summer. The Dark Knight was amazing (even though it ended once then went on for 30 more minutes). Heath Ledger will most definitely get the Oscar and I would like to be the one to accept it for him because I enjoyed his role that much. You know how he got those scars?

This is me, in the kind-of thinker pose.
That's my one piece. I just completely let myself go around March, pre swimsuit season and I found that sexy ditty to be my only option.

This is my best friend, Lauren. She makes my summer better.

Although I'm certain it's obvious, that's Modest Mouse waaay up there in case you aren't a big enough fan to spot them in a pic like this. (Con Lauren)

A Moir family outing to the pool at the beach. Wouldn't be complete without BudLight-in-a-can and those wild and crazy faces. This was taken at the grandiose Amerisuites at Atlantic Beach, NC where we occupied 5 rooms with stocked minifridges (probably the cutest invention ever.)

Second motorcycle ride of my life. A little sushi, some minigolf and a little magic on a crotch rocket in Winston-Salem.

Hulu

Ex-braces wearin', rimless glasses clad old-fashion pretty boy.

"As far as I'm concerned, this says "World's Best Dad"'

Just found: Hulu.com. A new online television website featuring shows like The Office, The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, Family Guy, Its Always Sunny in Philidelphia (I've never seen this but it had a headline that said "Mac bangs Dennis' mom", so I'm interested), The Today Show and even NBA games. The streaming is fast and the selection is excellent and it can be watched in full screen. eeeee! And I can't wait to spend the rest of the day on hulu instead of this blog.
I might actually survive the next 3 weeks in NC with my parents, complete with bed sores.

Coco

This is my second cousin, Coco.

She is hipper than a VW, and David Sedaris has nothin on her wit. Hailing cabs, she is growing up a few blocks from the Brooklyn Bridge which is the new Warehouse District, according to her. The flower in her hair marks her membership in the League of Yoz, in the country of Parl. That cute little lad in the b.g. is Max. He's way outta her league as a member of the Lollipop Guild but madly in love with her despite their differences in alliance.

I had to. This picture is golden to me, especially since she's hawt and has a remarkable resemblance to yours truly. When reality TV goes elemenary, she'll be a celeb.

Buuusted

Once upon a time, I was busted for drinking on Campus. This is the essay that I submitted in order to comply with the sanctions of Housing Probation, which I stumbled upon in my Word files:

The Affect of Alcohol on My Life

Ethanol alcohol consumption is one of the earliest chemical reactions known to man and was even known to Neolithic peoples. Throughout history, every culture of the world has discovered, on their own, the magic of fermented fruits and vegetables. Today, alcohol can even be produced synthetically but I prefer the Russian’s use of the potato to make a colorless, odorless potent grain alcohol that complements well with cranberry juice and sprite. In a week, I generally consume between two and four of these so-called Crantinis.
It is no surprise that alcohol use is rampant on college campus and in the surrounding areas since it is important at social events, which are the foundation of the college lifestyle and a very important aspect of the college community. For many people, the effects of alcohol are required to do things that they would only dream of, such as sex with complete strangers, which is a well-known and very common fantasy of most men and women. Everyone knows that alcohol lowers inhibitions, but what that really means is that people will say and do riskier things and tell people how they really feel, with both negative and positive consequences, such as the ego-boost that people receive when drunk girls tell declare to their ugly friends that they’re super hot and that they totally love them. There are some bad effects of alcohol, such as fraternity members who engage in gang-bang when their “grand-little” passes out for the first time in their wooden bunk bed with her shoes on, because it is a horrible policy that anyone who passes out with their shoes on is “fair game”, even though this policy is plastered on many fraternity, and I might add, dorm room walls.

Alcohol comsumption does not make me a malicious person. I, like most people, consider myself a very good person and I consume my share of alcohol in any given week, however this only occurred on campus in one incident. It should be noted that I was drinking beer which shouldn’t even be considered alcohol since it is made of the same thing as bread. I agree with the school that alcohol use should be forbidden on campus because it is very hard to study and party at the same time and studying is the foundation of learning which is the foundation of school which is what the University of Central Florida is.

When reflecting upon my personal alcohol use, I consider that I spend about ten percent of my personal paper dollars on alcohol. If I chose to spend my money in a different way, I could probably buy myself a Vespa with all the money that I’ve spent on alcohol since my freshman year of high school. This impacts my life because I have a beach cruiser instead of a Vespa and I could travel around campus much more efficiently (as in time, not energy) on a Vespa.

As I navigated through the REAL Alcohol and Other Drug Prevention Program, I found that I consume about 20 standard drinks per week, however, when taking that quiz, I felt that my responses were probably not accurate and I consume less because I took that on the week of my birthday which caused for extensive celebratory behaviors. Based on this, I was told that I consume more alcohol that 80% of college women. I have gone an entire week without going out and plan to go out solely on the weekends. I have begun to work downtown since the probation-causing incident and my grades have improved. The thought of a hangover now occurs to me before I drink rather than after and this has had serious effect on my drinking behaviors.

My tolerance to alcohol is moderate and higher than it was when I began to drink in high school. I can drink a few drinks before the desired effects kick in but I cannot, and do not wish to outdrink my male counterparts like some college women. My risk is fairly medium because I enjoy flip-cup but it is not high because I am not a beer pong champion. My drinks are always handed to me by the bar tender or an of-age male who I know and trust. I have never had unprotected sex with a stranger in the back seat of a car, nor do I plan to do so during my time here at UCF. I plan to study harder and watch my grades improve because I hope to succeed as a scholar, not a drinker.

My family risk level is low because my parents consume only wine and beer in moderate amounts and the only alcoholic in my family was an “Uncle” who was really just a family friend.
I pledge to spend more time at the Library by the retention pond and less at the one by McDonald’s.