It all falls

It is easier to admit that I know nothing than to defend that I know everything.
Living stuck in tar, in need of a rubdown.
The tap flows, the nights go by.
Time passes and life expires.
Every day I curl up and go to sleep.
People mesh and then retire.
Bodies decay with cracks and holes.
Sags and tears,
rips and mold.
Excel the process, day by day.
Get cancer,
have a seizure.
This is drama.
A coronary creeps up behind you and takes away your breath
You grab your chest and collapse.
A jolt of electricity revitalizes you.
You're welcomed back with flowers and candy.
You just weren't ready, were you?
And life as a lamb in the flock continues.

Poop humor has no expiration

We're expected to mature on a schedule.
There are many phases in our lives, adolescence being one of them, (obviously) and you enter each phase, stay a while, then progress, leaving the characteristics of the phase behind. But what happens when you're stuck? I mean, not completely stuck, but you carry a characteristic into each subsequent phase and you just can't rid yourself of the pesky burden of the church giggles when you have a silent fart in an inappropriate situation and it stinks to high heavens. You know other people smell it, but they left their poop baggage back on the adolescent train. And are passing a little judgment as you begin to choke on your everlasting chuckles.
I cherish my inner child. It's my guiding light. But this maturation process seems to be more difficult for me than the average 20-year-old. I think "outer child" is way more appropriate when labeling my personality domain.
And sometimes, I just do stuff that is so stupid. I can't phrase it any other way.
Today I had a scrub top on at work that had strings in the back to tie and show off my curves when covered in dog hair and dander (sexy). The top is a little big anyway, but the strings are like XL. They were hanging past my rear, which was unbeknown to me, even though the office cats were swatting at them all morning. This should have been a clue to readjust to avoid a wardrobe malfunction.
Anyway, I didn't readjust. I'm not good at picking up on things that most people naturally do unconsciously. Oblivious, you might say.
So, I go for my post-Fiber-One-bar-doodoo in the client bathroom. It's a morning ritual. Quite tranquil and gives me a little break during the rush. The client bathroom and I have a thing.
I do my biznass while staring at the creepy picture of a lion that's always there to join me. I go back to my desk and my scrub pants are wet in the back. Strange. I'm 20-years-old and an expert wiper. (front to back). What could this be, I wonder. Then I reach up a little and realize that the strings are soaked in my poop water! I pooped my own shirt at my big girl job! Humiliating.
It didn't go unnoticed by my co-workers as I was hoping.
So I had to tell. I had to go to the equivilant of the lost-and-found in the nurse's office in elementary school and wear the ugly-ass clothes that no one wants.
For the rest of the day, I sported a dark green jingle-bell scrub top with the Sexy Green and punk-ass Red M&M. In the middle of May.
The soiled scrub top sat in a ball by the filing cabinet. The office cats swatting at the strings off-and-on until close.
Live and learn.

Office emails.

I feel totally lame with a capital L but seriously, these office e-mails CRACK me up.
Here is an example of the Dwight Shrute of my office in a tissy:

Hello all,
As some of you may know, there has been an issue with 911 being called in our clinic. We have been trying to rule out our equipment as the problem. Earlier today, Dr. Corbett dialed a long distance phone number and was instead connected to 911. Further information is needed to pinpoint the problem.

If any of you dial a clinic and are instead connected to 911, please do the following:
(note: if I am in the clinic, please feel free to transfer the call to me.)
1. Explain to the 911 technician that there is no emergency, and that we have had an ongoing problem with 911 being called from our location which is currently being addressed.
2. Ask the name of the 911 technician on the phone.
3. Ask the technician what their caller ID is indicating. (what phone number from us dialed 911.)
4. Ask the name of the business/individual listed under this call. (what is the name calling 911)
5. Write down the time and date that this incident occurs.


Please alert me as soon as this incident occurs.

As always, if there are any questions or concerns, please e-mail or see myself or Keri.

Thanks all!

Justin

Here is the decoded version:
Hello Morons,

As some of you idiots may know, there has been an insignificant concern with 911 being called in our clinic. We have been trying to rule out our incompetent child-labor as the problem. Earlier today, Dr. Corbett dialed a suicide hot line and was instead connected to 911. Further information is needed to pinpoint the exact location on this serious problem.

If any of you minions dial a clinic and are instead connected to 911, please do the following:
(note: if I am in the clinic, please feel free to transfer the call to me, for I can handle this difficult task much more thoroughly than you.)
1. Explain to the 911 technician that Dr. Corbett is approaching you with a knife, and that we have had an ongoing problem with 911 being called from our location which is currently being addressed by our techie, who is extremely advanced for his time, position and salary.
2. Ask the full name of the 911 technician on the phone and what they are wearing so that we can asses the likelihood of pursuing an affair with a 911 technician.
3. Ask the technician what their caller ID is indicating unless of course you hide our number before dialing any clinic to protect our identity which I give you kudos for. (what phone number from us dialed 911; if they say my (Justin) extension, hang up immediately.)
4. Ask the name of the business/individual listed under this call. (what is the name calling 911 (I know that your literacy is below 4th grade))
5. Write down the time and date that this incident occurs so that your Dear Diary is accurate and you will not forget this historical event.


Please alert me IMMEDIATELY when this molarky occurs for this is an URGENT situation and if you keep this to yourself you jeopardize the integrity of the company.

As always, remember, you are insignificant. No one here cares about you. If you have questions, please email someone who knows more than you.

Thanks all!

Renegade

Abnormal

My bubba. Lost a bet one night and 2 nights later came over to my house for a buzz cut. The end result: a flat top fade, but still an upgrade. Business in the front; party in the back. I love the toilet peeping around the curtain in the bg.

It's not everyday that you go about your morning business; make coffee, shower, listen to NPR on the way to work and arrive to see this: A TRUCK IN A DRESS. It was like a car cover sent from God to remind me that the people in my office have a sense of humor after all. It is subtle, but I can tell that the hospital technician from the boondocks had my morning chuckles in mind as she stood in the parking lot on this March morning and put a canvas sari on her Silverado.

on handling rejection

In the bedroom...
I am a force to be reckoned with.
Last night, I was ----- this close to getting laid.
But the man with braces said no. I mean serious adult brace. With colored bands. Orange.
I should really be ashamed, but I'm overwhelmed with gratitude and appreciation of his resistance... which must have taken a lot of will power. Kudos to him. Most people can't muster that kind of strength under such circumstances. Rejection happens, moving on and learning from the past is more important than dwelling on that two-letter word that I was introduced to last night.

I woke up with a smile on my face however and, today I went shopping to make myself feel better and bought the same swimsuit that lauren already has so this will probably be my last entry cause I'm gonna get murrrdah-d.

I'd say that it was a successful night. As "successful" as going out to a party can be. It was mainly successful because I accomplished something. I have been very paranoid about my interactions with men so I had Frank watch me from a distance, then critique me on the sidelines. We decided that I am quick to move onto the subject of physical surroundings whereas it would be more straightforward to talk about nothing but myself and get right to the selling points. But really, after last night, I'm gonna sit the next few out.

More importantly...look at this as a public service announcement:
I was in the car with my roommates, brother and thomas. Frank had really stinky breath, like maybe early onset of halotosis, so i told him to get some gum. Megan was driving and handed him some gum. Thomas said can he actually have two, if we don't do something soon, we'll have to call the septic drainer and have him clean this thing out. so genius. Bad breath as a negative thing is completely underrated. It's absolutely terrible and definitely a deal-demolisher, rather than breaker, no matter how attractive one might be.

The Grind

PostSecret is my favorite blog to read.
This Sunday (the 8th) a postcard was posted that read, "I pretend to be a captain on the bridge of the Enteprise to deal with the sheer monotony of my crappy job."
I think the sharing of the secret with help me deal with the...sheer monotony of my crappy job.

Sometimes I turn the volume of my phone up and imagine that it blows my hair back every time that it rings.
Our office cat had an ultrasound because she was having an upset tummy so her little belly was shaved and yesterday I picked her up an blew a raspberry on her belly.
I also like to chew ice up into small pieces and blow them at the bumps in the texture in the wallpaper.
Whatevah it takes, son.

Our office secretary sounds like a porn star but looks like a 12 year old, 4'9" Cambodian with hair to her knees and high-water pants. I imagine that men who speak to her on the phone imagine her as a Tahitian beauty in red lipstick with a pen in her mouth. They'd be so shocked if they were to meet her for dinner. She's in love with one of the other techs, though. Their witty banter screams affair worse than messy hair and torn panty hose.

Today I heard that a previous employee went into the pharmacy in the clinic, filled a syringe with morphine and injected himself then and there. He then went about his day as he'd been in the breakroom eating canned soup. He was only busted because there were cameras in the pharmacy. I guess that rules that option out.
I can wait to quit but I can't wait too long. I can only entertain myself so much before the reality of the grind dampens my wit.
This is why I have chosen to go into entymology. When working with insects, I think their diversity and the vastness of species will keep things entertaining. I hope for more to change from day to day than the date. Please, and thank you.
Ugh.

like Romy and Michelle

^Lauren and I circa 2007

Lauren got her wisdom teeth out. And I'm jealous because she'll outdo my birthday gift to her last year. I think for her b-day i'll give her my kidney and then she can never outdo me.

4:26pmLauren

but i found two rouge shards of tooth in my mouth at different points today, but they were tiny so i didnt mind if i remember where i put them i might designate a space for them in a tiny jar or locket
haha
im kidding, but that was my actual initial thought

4:26pmSara

HAHHA
i feel a b-day gift coming on
4:26pmLauren
you wish.
haha
4:26pmSara
your tooth shards would complete me
4:26pmLauren
there are two pieces i could give you one i guessmy mom probbably already threw them aways because whenever i find one i go look at this! and then just sit it wherever im standing...kitchen counter...in table
4:27pmSara
hahhaa
4:28pmLauren
shes not the type to put up with that, but she wouldnt say anything because I was recently under the knife