Office emails.

I feel totally lame with a capital L but seriously, these office e-mails CRACK me up.
Here is an example of the Dwight Shrute of my office in a tissy:

Hello all,
As some of you may know, there has been an issue with 911 being called in our clinic. We have been trying to rule out our equipment as the problem. Earlier today, Dr. Corbett dialed a long distance phone number and was instead connected to 911. Further information is needed to pinpoint the problem.

If any of you dial a clinic and are instead connected to 911, please do the following:
(note: if I am in the clinic, please feel free to transfer the call to me.)
1. Explain to the 911 technician that there is no emergency, and that we have had an ongoing problem with 911 being called from our location which is currently being addressed.
2. Ask the name of the 911 technician on the phone.
3. Ask the technician what their caller ID is indicating. (what phone number from us dialed 911.)
4. Ask the name of the business/individual listed under this call. (what is the name calling 911)
5. Write down the time and date that this incident occurs.


Please alert me as soon as this incident occurs.

As always, if there are any questions or concerns, please e-mail or see myself or Keri.

Thanks all!

Justin

Here is the decoded version:
Hello Morons,

As some of you idiots may know, there has been an insignificant concern with 911 being called in our clinic. We have been trying to rule out our incompetent child-labor as the problem. Earlier today, Dr. Corbett dialed a suicide hot line and was instead connected to 911. Further information is needed to pinpoint the exact location on this serious problem.

If any of you minions dial a clinic and are instead connected to 911, please do the following:
(note: if I am in the clinic, please feel free to transfer the call to me, for I can handle this difficult task much more thoroughly than you.)
1. Explain to the 911 technician that Dr. Corbett is approaching you with a knife, and that we have had an ongoing problem with 911 being called from our location which is currently being addressed by our techie, who is extremely advanced for his time, position and salary.
2. Ask the full name of the 911 technician on the phone and what they are wearing so that we can asses the likelihood of pursuing an affair with a 911 technician.
3. Ask the technician what their caller ID is indicating unless of course you hide our number before dialing any clinic to protect our identity which I give you kudos for. (what phone number from us dialed 911; if they say my (Justin) extension, hang up immediately.)
4. Ask the name of the business/individual listed under this call. (what is the name calling 911 (I know that your literacy is below 4th grade))
5. Write down the time and date that this incident occurs so that your Dear Diary is accurate and you will not forget this historical event.


Please alert me IMMEDIATELY when this molarky occurs for this is an URGENT situation and if you keep this to yourself you jeopardize the integrity of the company.

As always, remember, you are insignificant. No one here cares about you. If you have questions, please email someone who knows more than you.

Thanks all!

Renegade